Allyssa Yohana is an artist based out of nyc/philly & contributor to Rookie.
Midnight Ish-
My crotch has been itching all night and I ask my partner Colin to take a flash picture of my vagina for me. I have a yeast infection. This is my *first*. I control the urge to say that I’m “looking out for number one”.
6:48- I open my eyes a little bit and everything is mostly patches of blanket and light. Pancake bunny is punching my butt to wake up. I don’t want to wake up yet.
7:16- I fell asleep again, and Pancake has wedged himself between Colin and I’s faces and his tummy is warm and soft. The AC is off which usually lulls me to sleep and helps me refrain from punching Colin because of the elderly mouth sounds he makes. I hear Greta fart really loud and laugh at herself, she is sleeping at the foot of our bed like the doggie she is.
11:18- I’m finally awake fully and I peep over the covers to see Greta putting up her sleeping bag. She’s wearing a Hawaiin dress that goes with the decor of my bedroom. Did she shower? Or is her hair just greasy from tour? Should I ask?
11:23- I tell Greta why I left the show early last night. I told everyone I was going to “be right back”. Everyone always expects me to leave early. They think it’s sweet or maybe they think I’m sad. Mostly I feel like it’s another way people infantilize me. My brain feels foggy but I tune back in. Greta tells me about her *first* and how when she was 15 her mom tried to help her put in a monistat suppository, and she fainted. “I don’t remember how it got better! But you’ll be fine” she laughs, I’m laughing too. And we both coo about not being able to use tampons. I feel like I’m in a commercial for Textbook Female Friendship. I’ve missed her. I think to myself “I love this person”. All that’s missing is either some sort of soccer gear or the opposite approach of a martini or whatever. I guess I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Colin is still tucked into bed, googling on his phone how to “best insert garlic in a vagina”, this makes me nauseous.
11:43-
I really want to shower, but Greta’s drummer Luke is in the shower. We are supposed to meet some pals for breakfast at noon. I did not know about this. I can feel the oils on my nose and in my hair. I feel slick. More chunky than slick actually? I don’t get oil slick? Keep thinking “slick as an oil slick”. I get dressed anyway. My hair is doing that thing where it separates in portions and it makes me feel self conscious, because my dad says I’m probably balding since I don’t eat meat.
12:02- In the car on the way to breakfast at Honey’s and Greta, Colin, and David are harmonizing to Phantom Planet’s “California”. Greta said “I really feel like I’m in California right now”.
12:08- It turns out we are a party of 14. Cleo says, “it’s actually 15”.
I am already feeling incredibly stressed about about splitting the bill. I’m considering leaving. And I forgot to text Katie to come. She’s probably hurt, everyone I know in Philly is sad in some way. Breakfast is usually spiritual for me. It’s 90-something degrees out. I’m too aware of my hands.
12:12- My phone buzzes and I feel anxious. My little brother Aaron sent me a text message that was a picture of a scary clown and “found this in the French Quarter house.” I have no idea what he is talking about. Aaron is 11.
12:16-
Sitting alone.
12:20- David is sitting next to me. I make another stupid anecdote about how I drink a pot of coffee a day. This is never charming. He asks me how Philly has been. I want to just say “Yeah, I don’t know” and add a “ha, ha” or something, because I really don’t feel like talking about this right now. I start approaching my feelings on the subject and suddenly we both stop talking. Not for any reason in particular, but neutrally. I don’t really like the word neutral. It’s neutral.
12:33- Still waiting
1:04 Still waiting
1:10 Turns out we are a party of 17. Fuck that. Some blonde boy I’ve never met came running over saying “There are 2 seats open NEXT to everyone if you want to try”. Emphasis on “next”. Whatever. I look at the crowded restaurant and have a “teen movie lunch cafeteria scene” moment, and immediately open the uber app on my phone and walk back into the heat. The tops of my hands are sweating, but not my palms? Okay.
1:23-
I’m home and I’m crying. Surprise!
1:39- I pull out a leftover slice of cold vegan pizza from last night and look at Colin in the face and blurt “Breakfast!” like a toddler. This is a habit of mine that is pretty gross to me.
1:50-
I finish my slice on the couch, and remember the words “slick oil slick” and announce that I am going to take a shower now. I make the water too hot.
2:04- I thought my shower would last longer, I’m just feeling the kind of lonely that happens for almost no reason in bed. I’m sitting with my towel carefully wrapped around me, picking at the fibers that were damaged from Colin bleaching his hair, my skin itches, my crotch hurts to. Am I one of those women who talk about their vagina now? Am I one of those women that say “one of those women”? Colin interrupts my towel gazing to show me a video of a bunny named tum tum on Instagram.
2:12- I check on my vagina with the selfie cam, horrifying. I start howling like an old dog and Colin keeps yelling “AL!!!” to make me stop.
2:23-
3:07- Greta, Cleo, and Harmony are back and said they want to go shopping. I go along. We talk about DIY. We talk about how stupid our scene is. It’s not my scene. I don’t know is it? It’s theirs? Whatever, my brain is sort of turning off.
3:51- It’s hot. I’m back home. I bought a purple jumpsuit for too much money.
4:23- Colin is back from practice, and we leave to New Jersey to for an event with the word “Flem” not phlegm in it.
4:54- We listen to California again.
6:56-
Colin’s band is playing. I watch Katie sing, but then become preoccupied with a fly that keeps landing on my arm. It’s too gentle and reminds me of when Colin tries to kiss me when I’m half asleep and I feel like punching a wall.
7:34- I grab dinner with Greta and Luke somewhere and get lost on the way back. I feel like I’m living some weird coming of age drama. I feel too old for that. I’m 23
11:11- Driving back home now. We listen to California again*.
*The love for California was thanks to reading Lena’s Enormous Eye a few days ago. Thank you Lena.
ENORMOUS EYE 