Sandy Honig is Very Interesting. Follow her Twitter and, please, call her Sandrew!
10:15 am- First alarm. “Waiting” by CAKE.
10:30 am- Second alarm. “Waiting” by CAKE.
10:45 am- Third alarm. “Waiting” by CAKE. I like this song so much that every morning I insist on listening to it at least thrice. From under the blanket I mentally pack my bag so I can stay under my blanket until ten minutes before I have to leave. Laptop, charger, dress, tights, camera, and the classic mantra, PhoneWalletKeysCharger. I always have an iPhone 5 charger on me, which makes me a very interesting and popular person.
11:05 am- I wait for the M train because the train I normally take to Manhattan is on sabbatical. I like taking the M because it travels above ground so I can have natural sunlight and a beautiful view to ignore while I solve crossword puzzles on my phone. What can I say, I love my devices!!!!!
11:48 am- I feel a rumbling in my stomach. Being a Young Busy Woman isn’t always easy! Sometimes we’re simply too busy to remember to eat breakfast! I treat myself to my favorite fun snack which is street nuts. I’m Nuts 4 Nuts!
12 pm- I get to my destination, which is the Upright Citizens Brigade training center, where I am currently taking an improv class with 15 of my favorite people. We do jokes for three (3) hours. I force one guy to be Bill Cosby which is fun for me. In one practice I get to be Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s daughter for twenty (20) glorious minutes. The magic of showbiz!!! Then I sit down and go back to being Jaimy Honig’s daughter, which I like even more. (“Awwwwww,” you say!)
3 pm- Class ends and because I’m so gorgeously thin I accompany my classmates to buy a Very Fancy Salad. I don’t know if you know much about Very Fancy Salads but it’s when you pay to give your salad an edible tuxedo. It shows other people that you are very rich and important. I ask for a cup to fill up with water and do a Very Bad Thing. I mix the water with some of their ginger lemonade. I eat my salad quickly, in fear that I will be arrested for doing a Very Bad Thing. We finish up and leave, so I either got away with it or they’re still tracking me. I throw my cell phone in the river as a precautionary measure. Then I retrieve it because I love my devices!!!!!
4 pm- We walk to a bakery so packed that I am overwhelmed. Four (4) middle school boys who are taller than me stand impatiently behind me and I get scared and do not buy any delicious treats. Then I remember that I am a skinny Young and say, “Phew! Thank goodness I didn’t eat a Delicious Thing because I look very very good now.” That is how bodies work. I know that because I took science.
4:15 pm- My friends and I sit at a table and discuss all of the things that we have just done, as well as some gossip because we are weasel people. A man sits at a table behind us with a comically large guitar case, and my friends believe he is a sniper send by the people about which we are gossiping. I go along with this theory but know that it is the salad people.
5 pm- My friend Mo and I walk to the East Village where we are surrounded by our fellow Pretty Youngs. She drops me off at a café so I can do some work while she cleans her apartment. It is called Croissanteria and they are out of everything that I ask for. I sit down with my laptop like an asshole. I have never before worked on a laptop in a coffee shop and feel very self conscious that everyone is reading what I am writing and also hates me. I work on an article for Rookie Mag which is a Website. To block out the noise of other humans existing in the world I put in headphones and play the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. This makes writing a personal essay feel like penning an epic and also I am Johnny Depp
6 pm- I arrive at Mo’s apartment and take off my pants. She doesn’t know it but I poop in her bathroom. I am very sneaky and also smart. Our friend Betsy shows up and we complain about how our bodies are different from other people’s bodies.
7 pm- I put on Dark Lipstick.
8:40 pm- We walk to the West Village and look very cool, I promise.
9 pm- We arrive at our friend Molly’s birthday event at a bar. I show off my brand new New York State License to the bouncer, who is quelling his excitement because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of his work friends I’m sure. I order a quesadilla and the waiter tricks me into paying more than I would have liked. I am angry but it is okay because I have at least a hundred dollars.
11:30 pm- I am dancing with my friends when a song called “Uptown Funk” comes on. It is by Bruno Mars and I like it very much, but I’d NEVER tell him that. Everyone gets very excited except for my friend Cory who famously hates this song. It is at this time that I notice a table of foreign men smirking at me. I ignore them because they look like Bad Boys. One is Very Old, one is Very Pretty, and one is Very Drunk. Very Drunk makes a lewd gesture and I get Very Angry.
12 am- My friend Dom shows up who is a Nice Italian Boy and he talks to Very Pretty because they are both Italian. Very Pretty asks if I am always this angry. They talk to each other in Italian and I cannot stop staring because this feels like a fantasy I would have.
1 am- Very Pretty has been smirking at me for an hour and I decide not to kiss him because I do not want him to get what he wants just because he is pretty. He does not make any real attempt to interest me except bat his lashes. He also never takes off his scarf and that is Dumb. He leaves the bar very slowly while making sad faces at me because he did not get what he wanted.
1:30 am- I wish I had taken a photo of him.
2 am- It is officially too late to take the subway home by myself because I’m like soooooo obsessed with getting home safe. My friend Ben tells me that Uber is giving $5 rides since the train is on a journey to Find Itself. To get the promotion you have to share the cab with someone going the same direction. Dom and I decide to do it because we are very daring and adventurous and also interesting.
2:03 am- We are in the Uber with a girl named Molly which we think is very funny because we were just celebrating our friend Molly’s birthday. Dom and I make many many funny jokes but Molly is too shy to laugh. I bet she is embarrassed of her laugh because perhaps she snorts. She must be embarrassed of her voice too because she doesn’t say a single word to us. So sad when people are that shy!!!!
2:35 am- I get out at Dom’s house and walk to the train from there, preparing for a twenty (20) minute wait. The train flies in just as I enter the station, and I yell to the other guy on the platform, “HOW LUCKY AM I?!??!” He agrees that I am very lucky and also interesting.
2:50 am- I pack my bag for the morning so I can ignore my alarm thrice tomorrow.